grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
