Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think I won the penis lottery.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize