just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
