She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
