Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
