Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
