video games are the ultimate cock blocker
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
