similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
