Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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