just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
my liver is dry heaving
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
