look no pants
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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