A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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