I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
