If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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