Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
