I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
They have beer where we have blood.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
