YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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