There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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