its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
