the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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