this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
