Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
