If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I could fuck to npr.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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