they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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