i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize