Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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