Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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