First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
