I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
