This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
