I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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