Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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