All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
