Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
