i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
