I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
