you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
