Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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