Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
