I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
