bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize