I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
