So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
