I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
