the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
