how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
