R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
