I got chris browned last night
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize