Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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