barbara walters just said penis...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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