So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just found a bag of teeth...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
