He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
