forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
