I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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