So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
