you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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