This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
