no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize