dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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