So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
