Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
