We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
