the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
