who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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