I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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