Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
