I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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