just come out here and I will go home with you...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
