my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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