I am in a vortex of obligation.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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