mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
